Tali’s Wedding Diary is hilarious, right? We enjoyed watching Tali and her ridiculous antics. She gets herself into such a state on the morning of her wedding that she fires a bridesmaid and hires her hair dresser, because, you knowwwww, they are like besties anyway. But despite the exaggerated comedy, you’ll be able to relate to what she’s going through.
When it’s on TV, it’s funny… but it got us thinking about how we really treat our bridesmaids. We sometimes laughingly call them Brideslaves, but is that kind of joke really okay?
We expect a lot of our bride tribe, and even though we didn’t ask for the unicorn pinata or the surprise matching pyjamas, we need to be aware that it’s difficult to avoid the social pressure that comes along with the wedding.
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Attending a wedding as a guest doesn’t come without a lot of planning, sacrifice or expense. Your guests will have likely travelled a distance, whether it be from abroad or from Durban to the Midlands. They book accommodation, which at wedding venues is not often cheap, and pay travel expenses like flights, petrol, or a rental car. They have bought you a gift from your registry (which were around R800 or more, because anything less than that you’d buy for yourself) on top of the gifts they bought for your kitchen tea, bachelorette and engagement party. Because they want to celebrate with you they will most likely drink, at inflated wedding venue or hotel prices. Because there are no Ubers in the far out areas where the pretty wedding venues are, they probably chipped in to get a shuttle back to their accommodation. And that’s just your average wedding guest.
Then there are the expenses, over and above those already mentioned, that your bridesmaids have to take on to give you the bachelorette that tells you just how much they love and adore you. These events are a public display of your friendship and they don’t want to let you down.
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Kitchen Tea and Bachelorette
They know your kitchen tea and photos will be going on Instagram and they feel pressure after Nicole’s Hawaiian-themed weekend away where every guest was in a matching floral maxi, when they weren’t in their matching bikinis in the jacuzzi…
So they pooled together to buy your outfit, something gorgeous or really Pinterest worthy. Maybe they dressed in theme too. They don’t have space at home or they live out of town, so they hired a venue and paid for décor, bubbly and snacks for the guests. They spent time and money on the games and of course, you can’t arrive without a gift when you’re the bridesmaid. They bought a second gift for the bachelorette – something sexy for you to open after moms have left. In addition to all the money spent – there’s the time and planning. Most brides have bridesmaids from different stages of their lives, so they didn’t all know each other before they became co-bridesmaids. They went out for coffee to get to know each other or to start planning. They’re in the whatsapp group you made for them, another whatsapp group without you but with your mom… and the third one for the real discussions without your mom. Likely they don’t all live in the same place, so they’re giving up evenings doing google hangouts to plan the details, they draw up spreadsheets and design invitations and keep track of RSVPs. As a bride, you know how stressful those things can be, even without 5 other people who need to agree.
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Travel
If your bridesmaids are from out-of-town, they’ll have had to take leave and travel for both your kitchen tea and/or bachelorette and the wedding. If they flew in, they will have hired a car for the weekend and booked accommodation for the days leading up to the two events.
Wedding
Your bridesmaid will be expected to wear a dress you’ve chosen for her. It’s highly likely that they won’t find a reason to wear this dress ever again. They’ll also need a specific brand and style of heel, which they’re often expected to fork out for (and then suffer in all day). Don’t forget her manicure, pedicure and possibly spray tan before the big day and then professional hair and make-up on the day. Depending on the location of the wedding they may have needed to bring along breakfast and bubbly for the day of the wedding. She will want to be well prepared, so she’s bought a dressing gown that matches with the other bridesmaids, wet wipes, a stick-on bra, a needle and thread, saftey pins, and plasters as well as panado for the morning after. She’s popped in some extra vitamins, bottles of water and snack bars to make sure her bride has everything she needs at hand.
Some bridesmaids are lucky enough to have a bride who pays for all this, but according to our unofficial research, this isn’t the norm. The expectations are dished out, with no cash to accompany it.
You’ll have no doubt arranged a pre-wedding dinner which all bridesmaids must attend in support of the bride, but must also pay for themselves. Oh, and wait a second, yes that’s right – a breakfast on Sunday morning too.
Your wedding gift – which as we mentioned before won’t be cheap, she loves spoiling you!
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Now you might be reading all of this and thinking to yourself: “Gosh, this is all so extra!”. We agree! But unfortunately, this has all become the norm and the bride expects all of this from her. The bridesmaid also knows the bride is already struggling with her emotions due to all the pressures of being a bride (there are a lot!) so she delivers, even when she doesn’t have the financial, time or emotional reserves to back it up.
Being chosen as a bridesmaid is a huge honour, but for some people it can be a devastating request. In theory, she could say no. She’s just quit her job and started a small business, she has no extra cash while the other bridesmaids are supported by partners and seem to have plenty time on their hands. The bride would understand. But she loves her friend. She doesn’t want to hurt her feelings or the relationship by refusing.
We are reaching our to the brides today, we are appealing to you. Go easy on your bridal party and make the wedding day a little more enjoyable for them. We have a whole list of ideas on how to go about doing this, but we would like to hear from you first.
Have you ever been a bridesmaid? Or maybe you were the kind of bride who budgeted in the costs of the bridesmaids expenses and covered them for your tribe. Please share your ideas on how the bridal party can be of service to her bride without feeling like they’re going to crush under the pressure and cost of the whole event, and potentially ruin a lifelong friendship.
Keep your eyes open for the follow-up article on how to treat your bridesmaids kindly.